The future of possible

I thought about it long and hard... not a doctor, nor a teacher, just invisible! That's what I wanted to be!  After all I didn't want to be here and I didn't want to be me. Not yet.
Those stupid questions were a repetitive curriculum in the visitor's folder of their minds and some even dare to put them into spoken words. For some reason the idea of being invisible was entertained in my mind as a viable possibility of escaping the unsolicited attention of being orphans in a nun' s orphanage. Good intentions, bad approach on one side, good approach, bad intentions in the other side of this coin I call it circumstances. Adult and child. But who was who? My mind was always ready to clash with the visitors' dealing of my circumstances. Distance was calculated as if we were either a pet or a plague. We were neither.
I practiced being invisible as if it was a form of an ancient art. The art of disappearing even when I was still in front of their eyes and they can still hearing me talking.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

A big building, long stairs, many rooms  and way too many doors but, my favorite was the one leading to the openness of the patio and the shadow of the big trees. I learned to walk, to talk  and most important that is where I taught myself how to climb and to talk without stuttering through long private talks  with myself and countless conversations with God and people whose identities were either in my memory or my imagination or somewhere in between.
The patio meant freedom and the trees refuge, to a soul lost in her need of healing.

Mornings and  evenings were equally expended in prayer given a sense of normalcy to an otherwise  bothersome routine that always left me yearning for a different tomorrow.

If it was going to happen at all, there were three possibilities:
a) It will work it out at its own.
b) I will make it work.
c) I will need God's intervention.

I didn't know that ultimately, all three were the course of action my life will take, to that end.
You can say a lot by saying nothing or say nothing by talking a lot and right then, it wasn't easy to judge the difference. Nevertheless, I invested a lot of time on overcoming my stuttering  and learning to express myself in silence and in words.A balance act you may say.

I thought that  there was a time for everything but time was so slow that that may have been why silence was on our schedule. That was the time of the day when being invisible was possible and nuns in the orphanage and in the covent attached to it, were in agreement.

To my advantage, that was also a precious opportunity to let my mind soar to the possibilities that one day, tomorrow may bring.  In the other hand, I became obsessed with words that I lodged them in my brain, weave them into thoughts and departed from stutter. My speech was finally living in harmony with the speaking world. Still, being invisible amounted to a short term strategy but any future, needed a long term plan and I have none.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

Through the eyes of a child everything was plotted to bring time to an standing still but it was never so.
Growing up did the trick. So in between unexpected joys and deep sorrows I became a teenager. So this worked out at its own.

When my anger flourished into rebellion I became the questioner but in the view of my foster parents I became the question. Who is this child?

If I make a list of all my questions I nested in my brain, I can wrap them around Jupiter but according to the NASA Science website "Jupiter has a long history surprising scientists - all the way back to 1610 when Galileo Galilei found the first moon beyond Earth. That discovery changed the way we see the universe." So, to my surprise, quizzing my way around in that season of my life changed the way I see my universe. And that is how I made it work.

14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.  God does it so that people will fear him.

There was a vibrant life to be lived and enjoy but, my altered emotions were a heavy load to carry. It slow me down and I didn't know why. It was part of who I became up to that point and I didn't know it. I just wasn't fast enough and I knew it. The teasing and bullying around me made me aware of that.
I challenged the teasers and bullies with an "all or nothing" attitude and they became acquainted with their own medicine. They left me alone contributing to my happiness and I developed a "can do" kind of confidence.

I navigated the maze of my teenage years with an outwardly confidence and an inward confusion. I was resolved to make it work with the cooperation of my stubborn thirst for life.
My quest intensifies as my load got a grip on me and it may be that because of that I felt compelled to search in the wrong places. I wasn't sure what I was looking for but I felt confident that " I will know it when I find it".
Somehow my journey equals me to many people perhaps even you. Although our path may never cross, I assure you, you are not alone. And there is a beginning and an end even to bad things that happens to innocent people. As much as we wish to blot out entire seasons of our lives, I am convinced that those were the things that instructs us the most when we let God use it in our lives. God waste nothing.
I never understood the depth of my loss until much later in life when I realized how profound my life was impacted by it. It made me different that the average, bold and shy at the same time.
My boldness was the inner crutch that lead me to God and my shyness an outward defense, kind of a forced invisibility that I imposed on myself until my path was clear.
Who was this child? It can be anybody.
It just happened to be me. I wanted to be me. And it was because God's intervention.

12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

On the road with Bartimaeus

I woke up during the night and in the stillness of the night, I realized He was there. My whole being knew it. Many times when I'm aware of His presence I cannot ignore Him. Even if I am half asleep. So, I whispered a prayer for help to take the time to search for Him in the morning. And here I am. He answered and I obeyed.

A full night of sleep renewed my spirit & my mind and strengthened my aching body to a new day.

Coffee was ready thanks to the gentleness of my dear sweet husband. I have a choice: caffeinated or decaf. I took both. One to alert my senses to a sunny morning and the other one to enjoy it.

Throughout the week I have been thinking about Bartimeous (Mark 10: 46-52) and also about Romans chapter six. Sometimes my mind grasps a slight understanding of something new and wants to squeeze that idea until I hit a wall. So, many times I continue ruminating on it and oh man! God in His Faithfulness reveals so many hidden pearls.

I like to read my Bible with an explorer's mind, open and ready to grasp, observe and delight in a new discovery; going by the less traveled road and find the treasure waiting to be found.

So, my journey began at Romans chapter six and I arrived to Mark 10: 46-52.

In a sense I ended where it started. With Bartimaeus, son of Timaeus, In Jericho.

Thirty Two plus years ago, I heard about Bartimaeus. That's when a new life started for me. I did not know how but, it was evident that something totally new was created within me and it changed my perspective and purpose in life.

So, you see I was a beggar, poor and blind. Like Bartimaeus. Read it (Mark 10:46-52) He was by the road outside Jericho and it seems that he followed Jesus since he entered until he was leaving Jericho.

Luke chapter eighteen verse thirty five said it this way: (oh yes, another road, a parallel road)

35“Then it happened , as He (the Lord Jesus) was coming near Jericho, that a certain blind man sat by the road begging. 36 And hearing a multitude passing by, he asked what it meant. 37 So they told him that Jesus of Nazareth was passing by.

38 And he cry out saying, “ Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

I was that “certain” blind person and I recognized that someone important was passing by at that time of my life and I was crying out for mercy as I was going through such a tumultuous time inside of me...

Then Luke continues ...

39 Then those who went before warned him (Bartimaeus) that he should be quiet; but he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

I was warned to keep it quiet and keep on the rituals of my religious life but inside I knew that all of this was probed to fall short of my expectations of the God I knew existed but somehow He was far away of me. My soul was thirsty and I cried out even louder. Somehow I found the audacity to ask for what I knew I do not deserved.

40 So Jesus stood still and commanded him to be brought to Him. And when he had come near, He asked him.

Did he stop in his tracks because of Bartimaeus crying out to Him? I believe so. I want to believe that when the Lord Jesus heard him crying out even louder despite the warning, he was moved to compassion and He could no longer continue without giving attention to Bartimaeus' cry.

Listen to this !!!

41 saying, “What do you want Me to do for you?” He said “Lord that I may receive my sight.”

Bartimaeus answer was to the point and the Lord Jesus did what God said He would do.

Isaiah said it long before the Lord came in human flesh...

Then you shall call and the Lord will answer;

You shall cry and He will say “ Here I am”

Isaiah 58: 9

So, Luke continues ...

42 Then Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith have made you well.”

43 And immediately he received his sight ...

How did I arrived to Romans six?

Spiritual blindness sets limitations on your understanding and many times it even, distorts your reality and as a consequence the way you confront issues on your life makes you miserable.

Let's say that the Bible is your GPS and the chapter and verses are the coordinates that you need to go to...Let's go to Romans chapter six verse .. you read it Romans 6 - the whole chapter.

And now let me ask you, did you noticed verse seven, verse ten, eleven, twelve, well let me share with you some of the pearls I found.

5 ...we have been united together in the in the likeness of His death

7 ... he who have died have been freed from sin.

9 ...having been raised from the dead, dies no more. (eternal life!!!)

10 ..the death that He died,He died to sin to sin once for all; but (dead is not the end of it, it's just the beginning !!!) the life that He lives, He lives to God.

11 Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

13 ... present yourselves to God as being alive ... and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.

Many times we cry out by the road, the Lord responds and we receive sight and we go on our way again by the old road, slaves to sin instead of presenting ourselves as instruments of righteousness, dead to sin and ready to live to God.

16 Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness.

Obedience is by faith. Faith is a gift from God (Ephesians 2: 8)

The account of Mark about Bartimaeus gives you some extra pearls for you to take with you.

Mark 10: 50

And throwing aside his garment, he rose and came to Jesus.

And the chapter finishes with the account in verse 52

... and followed Jesus on the road.

So, your begging by the road has ended but, following Him continues and believe me in this life you still have some “crying out” to do but, now is in the presence of the King. Who knows you may hear our Lord answering to you as He did to Bartimaeus:

“What do you want Me to do for you?” ( Luke 18:41& Mark 10:51)

or a more simple:

Here I am (Isaiah 58:9)

Michael Card in his song “Paradigm” which is about Bartimaeus says:

“ So, come all you beggar, up on your feet

take courage He is calling to you

surrender your striving and find the nerve

to boldly ask for what you don't deserve”.

Boldly. In prayer,

Rain in the mirror

On Life and Death

Dear friend,

I'm here in the sun room in a Saturday afternoon and life seems to make a pause for me to give me the chance to write to you.

It is a perfect early afternoon... If you can see one in such an imperfect world we inherited.

There still beauty to behold despise the curse impose on this earth. As an act of Grace and Mercy, God brought some of that beauty to my own backyard for me to enjoy. How about that?

The sun awoke the day and the birds joined in to have a peek at what nature have to offer for breakfast today. After yesterday's rain the grass is beaming with a brand new green, shining bright and bold at the touch of the sun. Even the weeds dared to bloom into shy flowers almost like challenging their own standards that they do have something to amaze us as well.

Like a sign of hope our two birdhouses have been occupied and there are reasons to believe that there is a truce between man and nature to cohabit and live together. A chickadee pioneered the way for a bluebird and we just watch and wait ...

I visited my plants in the morning and they faithfully remain in the pots where I put them but even when they are silent, they are talking all over and I could not agree with them more! I happen to believe that God not only created the world but He is also the sustainer and they cannot be silent so they shout that He did it!

I wonder why man's existence was initiated in the garden, were every breathing thing honor Him with abandon and we, proudly in sin said: NO !

I imagine Eden full of wonders and mysteries like God Himself so, how could that happened? Why?

I never ceases to amaze me how out of a seed that dies in the darkness beneath the soil, comes out a tiny leaf that, at due time will bloom, flourish and die again and, as a last of a survival attempts gives birth to more seeds to perpetuate the cycle of life:

Something have to die so, life would be possible.

Easter is a mayor mystery of life and death.

Paul said in the book of Romans chapter six verse ten:

For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God.

Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And concludes the chapter in verse twenty three...

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Do you believe Him ? I do.

In amazement,

Rain in the Mirror

Life instructions for a weary traveler

I woke up early and I couldn't go back to sleep feeling an urgency to spend time with the Lord, I got up, went the study and my day began.
Have you ever been feeling weary for a series of life matters that want to hold you down? Well,there I was. I decided to fight my way up to only discovered my limitations and that left me with a lack of sense of directions.
And it was then that happened. Tired and at the end of my rope I remember the basis of my Christian faith, my God, His Word.
"As the deer pants for the water brooks,So my soul pants for You, O God" Psalm 42:1
This was my reading...
" I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go;
I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Psalm32:8

This was "Like cold water to a weary soul, ... Prov 25:25
(I knew Psalm 32:8 from old days when I used to hold onto Him for dear life and memorize Scripture feeding my soul.) So, you know, I have been in situations like this many times before. How many? Too many.

I bought a Hebrew Bible for my husband and while I was putting it on his desk for him to discover it later, it was me the one that was going to make a discovery first.
Hebrew language is written ... (to continue)

The path of the wind

As you do not know what is the path of the wind, Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child, So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.
Ecclesiastes 11:5

You do not know where the wind came from or where is going but, without a doubt, you know when the wind is making its way. And if you for a second think, you know where it's coming from and where is going... the most likely you will not know what is next.
Wind have no smell but can carry some as it makes its way. Have no color but can make the scenery change color. You can not see the wind by itself but you know it is there... at work.
Sometimes in spring, like a gentle breeze, let the aroma of wild flowers rub your face as a welcoming greeting to the renewal of creation.
Sometimes just as a faithful companion to hurricane season scares the lights out of you. Or just passing by, quietly touching the ground and suddenly leaving with a deep silence following its tracks.
In either way, you feel the effects when it touches you. Somehow, something is different after God's power touches you. God at work in you.
Words can not contain it, thoughts can not accurate describe it, but its works nobody can denied it.
When God works in my life is like the path of the wind. I know when He started it. I do not know how or where God will take me & when He will be done with me.

Philippians 1:6
... being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;...
My prayer
Father,
Help me to put my trust in you today as things happen around me that I'm not sure where are going. You are my Maker.
As You inspired David on Psalm 23:2 to say : "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, ... " I want to say that, too.
That's where I want to be: where You lead me.
Meditation of my heart (verse to memorize):
Exodus 33: 14
The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."